After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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