I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
