We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
