Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
