He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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