shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
