The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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