My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
