It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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