Your mouth is God's brothel.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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