apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
