Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
