What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
