I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
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The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
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Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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