ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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