I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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