are you so shy because you have an std?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
