i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
