I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i now understand why vodka
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
