I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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