I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I can't turn off my feet"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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