The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
