There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
