I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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