we made out on top of his cat.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
