My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
