we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
