I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
