First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
