Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
