Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
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just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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