They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
