that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
