He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
