That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize