Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Mom said you looked used
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
