Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
third nipple confirmed
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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