just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
