You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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