I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
