I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
