Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
