I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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