I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
organizing the empties. That sober.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
