I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
