so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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