So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
