you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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