i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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