im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
