I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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