Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
