I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
