I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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