The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
