Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
