If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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