I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
