Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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